Balancing the Scales

skinny

2009-04-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

Not Dieting

2008-12-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

not dieting. well, i don't know what to write. it's such an alien concept -- i don't remember ever not dieting in some form in my 44 years.

should i leave this page blank?

no, i'm committed to -- not dieting, whatever that is. i really don't know. it's odd. some people must know how NOT to diet, but how?

my weight hasn't budged since i got back from california. and i really don't have any interest in doing anything about it. my ED tells me that's laziness, and i'd better watch my ass (literally) or i'll be in the Guiness Book for fattest woman on earth. or perhaps the planet. by new years.

but i'm not in the mood. i don't really care. (how weird is that?) i look fine.

my ED howls, pointing out that my boobs are bursting out of their 36D constraints and bra straps dig into my shoulders. my pants are tighter, and i can't afford new clothes. my face is fuller, and it's losing definition. and wait until my next period -- NOTHING will fit, and i'll weigh more than i have in years.

so?

i mean it -- so.

i didn't get on the scale today and wasn't interested. (of course, that's today. who knows how tempted i'll be tomorrow.)

i'm going to buy sexy underwear after work to honor my slightly fluffy body. and the next time i buy clothes, i'm going to buy stuff that shows off this figure. usually, when i'm not skinny, i buy clown pants, so no one can see where i end and the extra fabric starts.

i've never had confidence in this here body, and that's going to change. i've only tortured it with binging, starving, laxatives, enemas, puking, compulsive eating, et. al. enough.

victoria secrets watch out. let's find me a bigger bra for these burgeoning breasts. i don't think the boyfriend will complain.

and neither will I.

isn't it ironic?

2008-12-01T06:51:00.001-08:00

i just finished reading Carrie Fisher's Wishful Dreaming. It got great reviews everywhere, but i'm disappointed.

Fisher takes her issues with drugs, drinking and weight and makes self-deprecating jokes. I'm not a fan of dark humor when dealing with addiction.

i think humor masks the issues. we use our extremely clever wit, and we outsmart ourselves. through our laughter, i think we deflect. dark issues become surfacey. this makes it harder to get well.

it's not laughable. there's nothing to be self-deprecating about.

i love humor. i love to laugh. but i love the hearty, happy laugh. the ironic, snide laugh - not so much.

Adjusting

2008-11-29T15:00:00.000-08:00

it's not easy keeping my self-esteem up when my weight is also up. i'm working on it.

the new weight does look fine, but it sure frightens me. for the two years after my mother died and i gave up crack cocaine, my weight sat at 145. i didn't eat a ton at all and was surprised that i maintained that high a number. but that's where my body wants to be.

so, i worry that if i don't worry "enough", my body mass will zoom right up.

i fear the zoom, because i want and indulge in a lot of food these days. accepting this weight has brought a new feeling of freedom -- i can eat what i want, i tell myself. so, i'm chomping pretzels before bed, pumpkin pie after dinner, a burrito for lunch, a muffin for breakfast -- who is this hungry person?

how much will i gain?

my perfect sister is coming to town at christmas. i don't see her that often, but when i do, she's always the same -- tiny, fit and so pretty. she's naturally tiny can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight. the woman looked flawless in a bikini three weeks after giving birth. oh, AND she got the good hair. what's fair about that?!

my sister was a cheerleader. she had lots of boyfriends and cool friends. she married a lovely wealthy doctor, who's father lives in Monaco. they visit every summer. they have two wonderful, wonderful children.

i was a fat, pimply loner, who started dating at 30 and had my first boyfriend at 34. and I got the( very) frizzy hair. i needed braces and a dermatologist. and i got dragged to weight watcher, diet doctors, behavior modification specialist. enough said.

i sighed to my boyfriend this morning, "i have 27 days to lose ten pounds before she gets here."

"no", he said. "don't lose any weight. you look beautiful and perfect the way you are."

he gets extra credit galore. and okay, i'll keep doing the work -- i look fine, i look fine, i look...

i do look fine. and eating real food is....delicious.

it occurs to me that this weight struggle is ridiculous. what a waste of my time. but i'm so used to worrying about weight and food intake, i'm almost not sure what to do with myself.

next project -- expanding my life.

134

2008-11-27T10:46:00.000-08:00

134. i gained 8 pounds in california. but i don't care. i can't believe i don't care, but i really don't.

i'm fine. my boyfriend certainly didn't notice anything during our reunion last night. the extra pounds didn't seem to bother him at all. at all.

life feels a little easier. i'm still thinking about my weight, but then i'm letting it go. the obsession isn't as strong. i'm strangely calm.

gotta go. heading to philadelphia for turkey day dinner.

hope this calm lasts. may everyone feel it.

breaking all my rules

2008-11-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

in california, i'm on the strangest schedule for me. Up at 5:15 am (whoa!) and in bed by 10 (just about the time i usually have the most energy.)

i hate the morning - i'm always nauseous and cranky. and something about having to function that early wakes up my ED and sets him rolling.

in california, i've been eating THREE meals a day, including BREAKFAST. lunch at noon. dinner's been 6 pm or EARLIER. and i've eaten.

anyone who's read this blog for a while knows that i like to (or like it when i) skip breakfast. i wait to eat lunch until as late as possible, and the meal is light, light, light. dinner's best after 10.

it's been challenging, but i've been too tired to put up a fight here. my pants are tighter, my stomach's always squealing and bloated, and i'm obsessing about the weight i've gained.

still, i'm leaving it alone. i eat half a muffin for breakfast. a turkey sandwich and salad for lunch. soup, salad and shrimp for dinner. and a candy bar. or something like that. i know it's not a lot or unhealthy, but it's way more than i eat, especially day after day.

i'm getting home (plane delays not included) very late tomorrow night. thursday is the day i need to stay off the scale, so i let myself enjoy a meal with my family on Thanksgiving.

friday -- we'll see. i need to take things one moment at a time -- i'd like to be comfortable with more weight and more food. well, we'll see.

i called this post "breaking all my rules", but i should say i'm breaking all my food rules. i'm still a law-abiding citizen, a loyal friend, a serious liberal, etc.

i'm just eating more.

Eat Me

2008-11-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

My eating disorder is very excited this morning. We're going to a nine hour convention, we'll have to stand on our blistered feet all day and it's going to be really, really boring. For nine hours.

I'm still in the hotel room, and already the little guy, my ED, is jumping up and down. he knows that the day will be filled with opportunities for him to whine and cajole about food. The convention starts at 8, so we can start there. I can hear him now.

"You ate an early dinner last so you must be ready to eat again. Uhm, can you smell the muffins at the restaurant, conveniently located right next to our booth? Isn't that great, we'll be right here by the restaurant for the whole nine hours -- today and tomorrow. Bravo!"

I'll put him off the first time, but we know he'll start in again, right? Probably around 8:10.

"But Melissa, you're tired. Eating will perk you up, even if you're not hungry at all."

I figure I'll be hearing from him about every ten minutes. or less. all day. both days.

Wish me luck.

The Real Words

2008-11-22T18:07:00.000-08:00

A few posts ago i referred to my wonderful cousin. i also put words in her mouth and didn't well explain what she said to me. i hope she doesn't mind that i tell you that she has her own stuff that she deals with and works on. it is such a relief for me to have her in my life. she can talk honestly and openly about all kinds of tough issues. our mothers were sisters, and so we have a common ground that brings automatic understanding.

without further ado, here's her reaction to my post:

about looking at people. What you wrote about me was fine - but i meant more than looking for the inner beauty. i meant looking for beauty - looking to see what was in front of me and to find the beauty in people - to look at the curves and lines on their bodies, how people carry themselves, how they sit and sometimes to see kindness in their faces and more mostly to see all the forms beauty takes in people, also the inner beauty - which is sometimes possible to feel next to someone and sometimes hidden. I don't find everyone easy to look at - and don't always know the reasons it could be because someone is tense and i may feel this - i have trouble when people look sick - have bumps on their bodies - i am sometimes ashamed about this (my reaction)i sometimes have trouble seeing beauty in homeless people especially if they are dirty and smell and am also ashamed of this. i wonder if part of this is my quilt for not knowing what to do next to someone who doesn't have a home - feeling hepless to offer any real help
this is all mostly possible when i am relaxed and open to truly seeing what is in front of mebut good for me and calming when i am able to do it

i hope this clarifies more about her and her process. talking to her helps me work on my own issues.

re: california. i think i need to move here. i need to stop joking about it and just do it. it's snowing back east. it's 75 here. i'm happier and healthier in warm weather.

we're having a successful trip with good meetings and some new business. YAY!!!!

if business keeps up, i could add some the money my mom left me and really move here. i could easily work for my brother here, and he would love if i built up his california clientele. i can work for my brother anywhere by the way.

i really took good care of myself the last two days. the first two days were all about delayed flights, trying to find luggage, driving all over for business calls.

yesterday, after our last business call, the family went out for a huge, late lunch. i deferred and had them drop me at a nail salon. i got a mani/pedi and the pedicurist painted flowers on my toes. i've never had this before, but my toes look seriously happy.

last night, my nephew and i went out for dinner without my bro and his wife. (they left us at the hotel without saying anything. they took the car and went out for the evening, even though they knew i hadn't eaten all day and they had promised the car to me. so weird. ) Trey and I had to walk an hour each way, but we had a great time.

i woke up this morning feeling magnificent after nearly TWELVE hours of sleep. i'd told the family to go off without me. i read blogs, called friends and then -- i treated myself to a massage and took a long walk to starbucks. it's gorgeous here, so i sat outside, sipping my latte and reading a great book.

i needed that time to myself, and i took it.

will you guys please keep reminding me to move here, where i naturally don't obsess about anything, because everything feels so good.

What is an Eating Disorder?

2008-11-20T12:41:00.000-08:00

a couple of posts ago, i talked about dining with my brother, the food monster. Karen made the great and accurate point that he has an eating disorder too.

i do believe my brother, Charles, has an eating disorder, because he eats giant portions at each meal, none of which he misses, plus generous snacks. AND he's fairly overweight and not getting any smaller.

as we know, it drives me and my eating disorder crazy to travel with him and get subjected to so much food, so often.

on the other hand, Charles' son, my 25 year old nephew is a really hyper and very active guy who is 6'2 and weighs 140 pounds. My nephew, Trey, can and does consume large quantities of food (5 bacon cheese burgers from Burger King with fries for lunch) and not gain weight.

one would never consider that Trey has an eating disorder, yet he often eats as much as Charles. and his eating doesn't make me uncomfortable. i wish i could eat what he does, but it doesn't make me freaky.

why does charles have an ED and trey doesn't? is it because trey's really hungry when he eats and he needs that much just to keep up his skinny weight? is because he doesn't have a relationship with the food he's eating -- other than times like Thanksgiving, food is generally just fuel for trey. and trey stops eating when he's full, whenever that is. no matter what, charles cleans his plate. is it because trey really doesn't have a discerning palate -- if he's hungry, a big mac is as good as filet mignon?

is it because Trey is very thin and Charles is fat, that i enjoy one and have a hard time eating with the other? is it my own fat-ism?!

if they're eating the same amount, why does only charles have the eating disorder?

by the way, i did, finally make it to LA; however, not without some issues. our plane was delayed five hours and once again we missed our connecting flight. we had to stay over in Phoenix but when we got to the hotel at 1am, they'd only reserved one room for the three of us, and they were packed. Then we had take a 7 am plane to get to LA (which meant getting up at yucky 5am.) when we arrived at our destination, once again our luggage didn't arrive with us. last time, though, the bags came the next day. this time, know one has any idea where they are -- there's no record of them. we're here for a week and have many business meetings and two days manning a booth at a huge convention.

there was also no record of our car rental.

and i just got my evil period and have a mighty case of Montezuma's Revenge (note that i rarely use capitals, but this called for them!)

on the flip side, and i rarely look at the flip side, so this is progress -- trey is along on this trip and he makes a great traveling companion. yesterday, we had five hours waiting in the airport and six hours on a flight, and it wasn't so bad. i had two good books and lots of magazines and trey's excellent company.

we finally did get separate rooms, and this was a MUCH better hotel than we usually stay it. it was gorgeous. we also managed to finagle a rental care.

AND charles and trey went off to run errands and left me for an hour to read and rest in the hotel room.

things could be worse.

now i must run to a business meeting. in jeans.

california here i come

2008-11-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

off i go to los angeles, where it is warm. it's 20 degrees here.

lots to write later.

the long day of travelling and layovers gets me in a tizzy about eating, but somehow i always manage. i need to remember that.

people ask me how my eating is, and it's usually just fine. i need to stop worrying so much, obsessing so much. that's a good plan.

talk to you all later.

The Other Woman

2008-11-18T17:36:00.000-08:00

i was talking with my favorite cousin , and she commented that, "when i'm on public transportation, i look at everyone around me..."

i finished the sentence in my head before she could get her words out. "i look at everyone around me and compare myself to them". she did that too!

i do that all the time and conclude first that everyone is prettier than i am (of course, this is what i notice first.) i admire they're hair and clothes and the smart way they put everything together. i check out their figures and wonder what they weigh, how much they eat, if they exercise, etc. i usually come to the conclusion that they're completely comfortable in their bodies and don't waste their days vapidly counting calories. note that i fall short everywhere.

i'm also sure that they're more disciplined than i and got better grades, job evaluations and salaries. generally, i assume they're far more computer savvy and employable. i also provide them with great marriages, beautiful kids, clean homes and tons of recipes which they cook to perfection, eat with relish and maintain their enviable figures.

my cousin's voice interrupted my musing, "... and try to see the inner beauty in everyone." oh.

i'm going to try that.

dinner with my brother

2008-11-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

This is a nasty little blog, penned personally by my eating disorder. i'm so tempted to delete it or re-write from a gentler perspective but for now, i'm leaving it. here goes:

my brother eats like i would if i didn't gain weight; however, we share a body type, and he's pretty fat. travelling with him, C., was difficult, because he lives and loves to eat and it becomes focal to the trip --- scarey for me. when he does eat, he consumes vast quantities, like a growing basketball player, all swallowed joyfully like a child at his birthday.

it drives me crazy (and drives me to drink) and i wish it didn't. why do i care how much he eats and doesn't choose to have the rest of the world's neuroses about his weight? if you're reading this,maybe you would share your opinion of what makes me crazy. i'm traveling with him again for a week starting Wednesday.

Friday night, we went to an elegant seafood restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco.

back to dinner. as usual, C's in a sloppy stained t-shirt and raggy jeans. why is it that when you're thin you can always get away with the look?

as soon as we sit, he starts inhaling bread. the previous evening, he finished the whole loaf except the one piece i managed to grab. my brother isn't polite, but what do i care? it enraged me that i had to order another loaf, which i did and which the server brought happily. what was the big deal -- when i'm around food, i really don't want to have manners either.

C. took his time ordering four courses. with each course, he demanded to know which was best and snapped at the waitress when she gave a couple of choices. he wanted one answer -- hadn't he told her that.

After his first two course orders, the waitress thought we were done, and started to thank us for the order. "i'm not done," my brother growed, "i like food", he then beamed. i think he thought he looked cute.

I thought he looked like a hick -- the ugly american with no manners and the bottomless pit appetite of a farmer. i pictured the lovely waitress making fun of us with her elegant colleagues in the kitchen. (i sound like a snob don't i?)

i cringed with each course he ordered -- i didn't want all that food around me. such excess frightens me, because i want all that food, but don't want to want it.

when the waitress brought his first appetizer, she gave us two forks. C. announced, "i'm not sharing with her." and he doesn't share, which should be fine with me, because i don't want to eat it. but it's not.

my soup came with his second course, "i've go to taste that", he said and stuck his spoon into my bowl.

his second course consisted of shellfish in the shell in a red sauce. as he peeled his seafood, red sauce splattered all over, dripping down his face and hands. i was disgusted. and jealous.

as the evening progressed, i became less comfortable and more agitated. about here, i ordered a second glass of wine.

c.'s third course was pasta. i was bored and started nibbling at it, angrily wanting it, not wanting to want it, knowing he wanted me away from his plate, knowing i wanted to be anywhere but there, but really just wanting all the food in the restaurant.

i asked him, nastily, if he really wanted all that pasta, after everything else he'd eaten and what was still to come. he informed me the food was light -- seafood, after all. i seethed -- doesn't he know this stuff swam in oil and butter (at least in the restaurant.)

my seafood salad came with his fish course. my dish was huge, and i couldn't finish it (oh. let me re-phrase -- i chose not to finish it -- of course i could have finished it if i'd wanted to). he finished his, spooning the last drops and wouldn't let them take my plate until he devoured that too.

all the time, he was the happiest guy in the place. he didn't care what anyone thought or how much weight he gained. he certainly didn't care when he ordered chocolate mousse cake with ice cream.

why does any of this bother me?

more later

2008-11-16T13:01:00.000-08:00

so much to write but no time. frustrating!!!! tomorrow is a new day.

from california

2008-11-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

i was born and bred in new jersey and then spent twenty years in new york, but last year, i came to california for the first time, and it struck me that i was home. i've been back three times since, and each time, i believed i belong here. heading back east brings me way down.

it's sunny and warm today, and we ate dinner over-looking the ocean. eating is easy here. i don't care. compare that to my east coast attitude.

and i'm not here on vacation, i'm on on boring business. our flights were canceled or re-routed, and we finally landed at 4;30 am east coast time. they lost my luggage, i'm sleep deprived BUT i'm fine, even HAPPY.

i didn't drink yesterday and had one glass of wine with dinner tonight, and that was, well, fine. compare that to my east coast imbibing of late. i believe my therapist will be permanently relocating me out here.

i can't believe i'm -- fine.

what if i didn't know

2008-11-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

i've gained 2.2 pounds since friday. as hard as i'll work let go of it, it's going to bother me all day. i won't walk as confidently or feel as comfortable in my body or really, as safe in the world.

what if i hadn't weighed myself and didn't know about the "whopping" 2.2 pounds?

i gave myself some freedom the last four days and ate what i wanted, without really overdoing it. i'd start to stress and then let it go, telling myself to have fun and enjoy all the company we had all weekend.

each time i gave myself a break, a strong voice inside would tell me to get back to my "usual" eating or nothing could be right in my world. i was shocked to discover that i felt guilty that i didn't care what i ate, as though i were doing something terribly wrong by not over-monitoring my food intake.

i'm ready to give this new eating a shot -- i did enjoy having pizza with friends on saturday and pumpkin pie on sunday with d's parents. i had ice cream and chinese food. and the best -- real salad dressing on all my salads.

i will gain weight. my body is not meant to be particularly thin. for two years, i maintained 145 on my 5'6 body and that was pretty easy. i didn't love the weight, but maybe i'd be able to love my life a little more.

i'm interested to see what my body does on it's own, without so much restriction. i don't plan to pig out, but i will eat a larger variety in larger portions (i'm sure).

and I'M NOT GETTING ON THE SCALE! this time i mean it.

i will have faith that by eating realistically, i will have the fine body i was meant to have.

am i nervous? i think my fellow ED friends can know just how frightened i am.

i have one life. i want to start living it.

stay tuned.

i know that if i continue to

choice

2008-11-09T15:03:00.001-08:00

my friend, annie, pointed out how much my eating disorder has a hold on me, even if i'm not binging, purging or starving.

true, indeed; however, sometimes i think i plan it that way.

my eating disorder is a great distraction from life. i don't want to focus on my boredom in my job and my fear that i won't make decent commissions, especially i can't figure out what else to do careerwise at the moment. if i spend the afternoon worried that the slice of pizza i ate at lunch today was bigger than yesterday's, i'm less likely to obsess about my ennui and lack of new clients.

there are many things i don't want to think about, including my fear that i'm not doing enough with my life. thinking about my eating disorder almost comforts me -- it can certainly keep me busy for hours.

i've always wanted to make something from the tyranny of my disorder. i'd love to find a way to help members of the next generation(s) have an easier time than i have. if anyone has any ideas, i'd love to hear them.

one track

2008-11-06T15:02:00.001-08:00

driving down the street today, i noticed that i hadn't noticed the glorious shade of red on the trees around me or the cute fluffy, puffy white clouds in the sky or the majestic golden mountains in front of me.

i was wondering if today's pizza slice was larger that yesterday's.

what's it like not to be consumed by something so insidious, unfulfilling and....dull?

Sleep

2008-11-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

We have a new president, and it's truly precedent -- our first black president, a brilliant man with seemingly great potential.

is anyone else bothered that he's apparently naturally TOO thin? not just thin but skinny! it's hard to like a guy, nay have any compassion for someone who's regularly fed rich food by aides just to keep his flimsy weight up?

how do they ALL stay so thin on the campaign trail? aren't they fed chicken dinners every two hours and force-fed pancakes in diners across the country while swallowing local foods from poo' boys to pig roasts?

there can't be time to exercise -- it's just sitting on planes and buses and podiums.

and they're sleep-deprived. this is the one that really gets me. when i'm not sleeping, i'm wanting every edible in sight, and then some. insomnia's been a tax-worthy contributor to my ED.

my insomnia started when i was 10, around the time my parents agreed they hated each other but neither would move out. the screaming and thrown objects frightened me, but i was more scared when they both started dating and staying out until the wee hours.

every noise in the house made me nervous, and i comforted myself with savories and sweets from the time they left until one of them came home (often with the sun.) that's a lot of food.

my dad moved out when i was 12 and the screaming and bureau-throwing contests ended, but my mother met a man who lived in manhattan (we were in new jersey) and spent most nights there. (he and i loathed each other. i hate to say i told you so, but he did end up in jail.)

every noise in the house TERRIFIED me, and i ate. and i ate. and i ate. all the way from 123 at the beginning of seventh grade to 202 as i started 11th. (we all know or can imagine how fun it is to have the gym teacher yell out numbers over 200. for a girl. who's only 5'6)

i can't remember sleeping during those years. i do remember watching 2 am re-runs of Mary Tyler Moore and The Bob Newhart Show, late night news, and pre-dawn work-out shows. this was well before cable and the pickings were slim, something i wouldn't be again for a few years.

as insomnia followed me through college and careers, it partnered easily with my addictions. if i were throwing up all night, i was too busy to notice i wasn't sleeping and would be miserable at work the next day. if i got drunk enough, i'd binge and throw-up and not notice i wasn't sleeping and would be miserable at work the next day. if i did enough drugs, i wouldn't need to sleep and wasn't going anywhere anyway the next day.

years ago, i discovered Ambien and like any good addict, i abused it with abandon. the more the merrier. so, i'd pass out in the bathtub and couldn't remember simple words, but i was sleeping. i found lunesta and klonopin, all washed down with very nice red wine.

i don't take pills now, but panic does not describe what i feel each night before bed. and as i don't sleep, i think about the contents of the refrigerator and how soothing that chicken salad and ice cream and sweet potatoes and rice pudding would be with a fine re-run of Sex and the City.

does anyone else have sleeping problems?

Food and Wine

2008-11-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

finishing up my third day sober.

after one huge drinking friday night. i drank as much as i ever have, and woke up feeling like a frat boy after hazing (well, what i assume they feel like.)

my head ached, my stomach turned, and i could barely get out of bed, even when the porcelain convenience bellowed.

how awfully bad i felt about myself. shame oozed out of every nauseous pore. although i couldn't remember much of the evening prior, i'm sure i embarrassed myself with the best (and worst) of them.

lying in bed saturday morning, i disgustedly swore off the bottle.

"ahh, the pounds you will lose, " purred my eating disorder.

there was no food in the house. there was nothing, save a bottle of diet coke and a gallon of water. and lite italian salad dressing.

i wasn't going anywhere (except the bathroom repeatedly), so i wasn't eating.

"ahh, the pounds you will lose", glowed my eating disorder.

my tummy turned and flopped and leapt, and i was way too dizzy to eat. for once.

i had the runs all day, so there was nothing in my stomach.

"ahh, the pounds...", orgasmic moans from ED.

sunday came, and my beleagured belly still wasn't quite itself. food still felt crummy.

my ED was thrilled. finally, i'd come to my senses and remembered the importance and rewards of restricting.

rewards, you may ask? the two pounds i lost.

there's going to be a lot of purposeful conversation, some of it not so gentle, i fear, between the sane me and my ED.

restricting makes me weak and useless, as evidenced by my poor performance at work this morning. i decided to save everything important until after i allowed myself to eat lunch.

that's not going to work. that doesn't work for me. on with the battle. the battle to be free!

rules

2008-10-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

Re: my last post. i listed some ways in which my eating disorder directs my life. i'd love to know how eating disorders effect other people. and what are some of your rules, ie., i try to eat the same foods every day, so i know i'm "safe" and won't gain weight?

i am my eating disorder - part 2

2008-10-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

i say i am my eating disorder, because it is a part of EVERY aspect of my life. Here are just a few of the zillions of ways in which this works:

1. i've kept my life so small, so as not to frighten my eating disorder. i never went out during college - much safer at home. i didn't date until i was 30, because i was ashamed of my body and didn't have my first boyfriend UNTIL I WAS 34!!!! with anyone i dated, i fought miserably over food -- i'd DO and say anything to protect my eating disorder. even now, i'm not a lot of fun when i'm out of control of the situation around food.

2. yesterday i had a long meeting, starting at 11:00. i knew i should eat something before going in, because i'd be starving by the time it was over, but i wasn't hungry, and you know me - I DON'T EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. as the meeting dragged on, i was faint and couldn't concentrate on questions being asked of me. it went okay, but i can do so much better. i'd rather jeopardize my job than have a small snack WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY.

3. i've had seven root canals and broken three teeth. i suck candies and chew gum all day so i won't eat, and i don't like sugar-free. i suck fewer and chew less than i did when actively anorexic and bulimic, but suck and chew i do, even though my dentist begs me to stop.

4. Tonight i'm going to a wedding. i know i'll drink to keep my hands and mouth occupied. otherwise, i'll want to eat constantly. i need to stop drinking for many reasons, but not over-eating takes priority. (over everything)

5. I don't wake up early, because there will be too many hours before i allow myself to eat.

6. I never travel by choice because my intestines are all messed up from laxatives, and it's really uncomfortable and unpleasant to negotiate the whole process of going to the bathroom on the road.

7. My boyfriend loves to cook, and he does it with the generous amounts of oils and heavy creams used only by a man. i don't eat much of all he makes with so much love.

8. there's no food in my refrigerator - just diet coke, non-alcoholic beer and wine. and lite salad dressing - i guess that's a food. also, no pots or pans. uh, i actually don't have a stove.
if i'm stuck home and i'm hungry, too bad for me. i've been snowed in and famished for a long time.

9. no matter where i'm going, if there's food there, a part of me dreads it. i prepare myself before, steel myself during and talk myself down after. voices talk about my eating constantly in my head.

10. this is just the last of what could be a list of millions. if i overeat, nothing can comfort me. i could win the lottery, get an academy award or save the world, and there would still be that voice in my head ruining it all simply by saying, "you're going to weigh more tomorrow than you did today".

Eating - When You're Not Hungry!

2008-10-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

most of my life, if i ate when i wasn't hungry, it was out of an emotional need, and i always considered it bad.

what's really hard for me is when there's a real need to eat when i'm not hungry and don't feel like eating.

i have devoted my life to learning to eat when i'm hungry and NOT when i'm not.

last saturday morning was a typical challenge. i'd eaten tons at the buffet the night before, followed by chocolate peanut butter birthday cake, and woke up with that oldl niggling guilt.

and of course i wouldn't be hungry for hours and wouldn't eat until then.

BUT - i had my period and was sucking down gobs of advil, which infuriated my sizzling ulcer. i'd feel better if i would just put something in my stomach to coat it. BUT - that would mean i'd eaten incorrectly -- too early in the day and when i wasn't hungry. BUT - my stomach really hurt.

a fair amount of internal quarreling ensued.

NORMAL ME: eat something. you need to eat something to protect your stomach and you'll feel better if you eat.

DISORDERED ME: i won't, i won't, i won't. i won't eat when i'm not hungry. i don't even have a craving. i'll take less advil.

NM: your excruciating cramps will get even worse. what's a little a piece of toast or crackers going to do to you?

DM: are you crazy!!!!! if i eat this morning after pigging out last night, i'll feel guilty and disgusting and start chowing down just to comfort myself. i'll end up eating all day and i'll feel repulsive and wake up the next morning and start eating again, right back up to 200 pounds.

NM: you're asking me if I'M crazy? listen to yourself. just have one piece of toast and you'll feel better physically. then don't eat again until you're hungry or have something small if your ulcer bothers you. it's not a big deal.

Quess who won?

Breaking up With the Scale/Part 3

2008-10-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

i weighed myself. 126 on my brother's scale (which, of course, means 130 at the boyfriend's and 127 at my old job.)

i didn't weigh myself for six days, but that's no big feat, as i usually skip the scale during my period.

maybe i'm not ready to break-up with the scale. damn.

oh, to be one of those recovering women who really has it together -- who walks the walk, talks the talk, dances the dance. one who walks for her health not calorie-burning, talks about everything but not her weight, dances for joy not to boost her metabolism.

still, i have come a looooooooong way and am glad not to be in the dark days of all my disorders.

maybe i'm not ready to break up with the scale - yet.

I AM MY EATING DISORDER

2008-10-27T11:44:00.001-07:00

the one thing i know for sure - i am my eating disorder. some people disagree with me vehemently and don't like when i say it. but i know it's true. it's in my DNA.

of course, i'm more than eating disorder. or perhaps, i'm other things besides my eating disorder. i know this. so, that said...

my eating disorder is with me wherever i go. whether i'm working, resting, reading or hanging with friends, my ED is suggesting i have a snack or wondering if i had too much lunch or speculating if i'll be able to eat "well" tomorrow, worrying about what i weight, worrying that i'm worrying about what i weight and blah, blah, blah.

this past weekend was a hard one for my eating disorder and me. it was also a good one, but that's beside my point.

it was my beloved, D's, b'day, and i wanted it to be super special the whole weekend. we did presents and movies and spent quality time together. we also ate cupcakes, went to a huge buffet dinner and had his parents over for an afternoon and evening of eating, drinking, grazing, boozing, snacking, imbibing.

you get the picture.

i had a great time. and i was miserable (sorry honey, if you're reading this. this is my own messed-up retarded self-hating inner devil who is convinced i have gained a minimum of twenty pounds this weekend and everyone can see and you will never want to even hug me again because i am so bloated.)

there was a lot of self-talk before, during and after this weekend. i knew (at least i had that) what i was up against.

often, i set life up so i'm not faced with a number of battles in a row. too many scare me. i can usually do one food event easily and then get right back to normal.

for many skinny years, i lived rigidly by innumerable rules. no breakfast, as little and as late a lunch as possible and a small dinner as late as possible (after midnight was the best), so i could go to bed and not eat again. a social life was completely dependent upon fitting into this schedule, otherwise, i stayed home and starved.

as i normalized my eating, i could do a very light breakfast, a small lunch and a nine o' clock dinner.

when faced with food outside those boxes, i struggle. just a few of the things that scare me, in no particular order:

1. brunch. even writing it makes nervous. what am i going to do with myself for the rest of the day if i've already eaten so much, so early?

2. early dinner. what am i going to do with myself the rest of the day if i've already eaten so much, so early?

3. for the previously mentioned reason, i'm terrified of-- big breakfasts, early lunches, very late lunches, very late post-dinner snacks, snacking between meals, two days in a row of eating out of my comfort zone, big desserts

it doesn't matter if i'm happy, sad, lonely, joyful, rested, tired or anything else, my ED is chatting, imposing -- frankly, running my life.

bloating

2008-10-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

i'm taking a menstrual holiday from blogging. i've got MANY things to discuss here, but i'm too crampy and miserable to think straight. AND BLOATED.

hope everyone else feels better than i do. may you be eating when you're hungry, stopping when you're full, exercising naturally and enjoying whatever glorious skin you're in.

i believe this is possible. some day.

that time of the month

2008-10-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

i'm 44. i got my first period at 10. minus the ten years i anorexically did not menstruate, i've been getting my period for 24 years.

For 24 years, right before its onset, my breasts blow up to phenomenal proportion. they're a wonder of the world. my stomach bloats out past them. i can not even consider wearing my normal bra or buttoning my usually comfy pants. no, i strap on the biggest mammary holding contraption i can find and hide under sweatpants.

For every month of those 24 years, i berate myself for the weight gain and bloating. ...it must be all i've eaten; i am responsible for this; oh my god, i'm going get huge and stay that way and on and on i beat myself up.

i also get a few pimples (yes, at 44) but i don't berate myself for THOSE. just the weight gain.

does anyone know what that's about?

p.s. can i also just complain that i get the worst cramps ever. i can be in bed or on the toilet for two or three days, unless i have to work, in which case i suffer miserably, crumbled over and running to the bathroom. i pray to get it on the weekend, so at least i can stay in bed and not deal with customers.

and i'd like to complain that i'm getting my period, tomorrow on my boyfriend's birthday. furthermore, can you believe this I ALWAYS GET MY PERIOD ON BIRTHDAY. every DAMN year, including this one, i get my period.

i've been waiting for menopause for 34 years. but i'm sure that won't be pretty either.

i just had to get that out. ahh, isn't PMS delightful?

more rant

2008-10-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

today, kelly ripa announced that someone had sent her the recipe for those chocolate-covered peanut butter candy things, and she was going to make them this weekend.

i assume, on monday, we'll hear all about she scarfed down scads.

kelly also discussed going to dinner with Judge Judy last night. evidently, kelly ordered nearly everything on the menu, because she thought she'd be picking up the tab. how mortified was she when Judge Judy's husband paid because she, kelly, had ordered so much. what did our teeny tiny kelly do with all that food?

scaling down

2008-10-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

before i start my rant, a couple of recommendations. read Annie's Rexia (link from My Blog List). so well-written, moving and honest.

if you're in the mood for a novel on my favorite topic, try OUTSIDE IN, by Courtney Thorne-Smith of MELROSE PLACE, ALLY MCBEAL and ACCORDING TO JIM. it's actually pretty well-written and a fun tale of hollywood, women and WEIGHT.

rant - on Live With Regis and Kelly today, Kelly Ripa talked of eating a whole box of chocolate covered peanut butter candy. I DO NOT BELIEVE HER. i hate when super-skinnies talk about all the food they eat. it's an old rant of mine, but it bothers me each and every time.

to the scale. i weighed myself today. on two different scales. 126 at my brother's. 130 on my boyfriend's. that would mean at my old job, i'd weigh 127 on their doctor's scale.

see how this gets out of hand? tomorrow, annie and i are not getting on the scale. i hope i keep that up. i can't believe that stupid think rules me.

it's an addiction like any other. some people don't believe in addiction. i went to one outpatient treatment center where the counselors didn't think alcoholism was a disease and they're no such thing as "addiction" unless to something like an opiate, where you have a major withdrawal.

i can't believe that. why did i eat compulsively from birth? my sister didn't. there's a picture of my tiny eight year old sister holding HUGE baby me. why do i drink a stream of diet beverages all day? how come no one else in my immediate family drinks alcohol? my mother had a scotch once a year. my dad took up drinking a glass of red wine before dinner occasionally, because he'd heard it was good for you. my brother doesn't like the taste. my sister could take it or leave it.

and, of course, no one in my family became a drug addict, stealing to feed my habit. (notice the word "feed").

i do nothing in moderation. i was just born that way

the problem is -- i do nothing in moderation. i was just born that way.

mindboggling

2008-10-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

i caught sight of my body in a public restroom mirror and thought i looked fat. that really took me aback. i haven't thought that in awhile.

all i saw in the mirror were hips. at 5'6 and 126, i am not fat.

what was my mind thinking?

relapse

2008-10-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

i weighed myself.

i thought i was gaining weight as I was eating so much. i was scared and assumed i'd gained about five pound. thus began long conversations with myself that this was okay. this was my "new" weight, as i'd stopped restricting. everything was fine. i've got more to offer than my weight. there are children starving everywhere, who would love to have this problem.

i don't own a scale, so i went over to my brothers, took off my clothes (i left my shirt on. progress.) closed my eyes and got on the scale.

and weighed the same -- the 126 i've been weighing on that scale for months.

i got on the scale today too. same ritual. 126.

i wish i weren't so happy about this. yet, i picture myself on that same little bugger again tomorrow.

why don't I trust myself. a week off the scale, and i'm sure i've gained at least 5 pounds.

i wish i could have some faith. after all, look at what i've done -- i'm not bulimic or anorexic now. i've kicked drugs.

i talk the talk. will i ever believe, way deep down, that i am more than the numbers on a scale?

fat IS a feminist issue

2008-10-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

has anyone noticed that sarah palin is a lot thinner than she was in earlier pictures? she also has a gently highlighted and better hairdo every day. and her wardrobe is much more chic. great make-up too. i wonder how long it takes her to get ready in the morning?

i wonder how long it takes joe biden. or john mccain. i think barack is pretty chic himself, but i bet he's out the door in moments. not governor palin.

do you think joe biden is worried about how slim he looks? or elegant or chic?

i read fat is a feminist issue over 20 years ago. things have just gotten worse for women.

weight rant

2008-10-20T10:55:00.001-07:00

fair warning - i'm cranky today. i'm tired of this whole weight thing, ya know?

i'm worried about gaining weight, as i'm eating a fair amount and not weighing myself. for ten years straight, i kept myself thin (sometimes skinny or when bulimia raged, fairly thin.) two years ago, after my parents died and i gave up bulimia and drugs, i gained about 25 pounds.

i had no clothes that fit and no money. my cousin, who really helped me out in many other ways, kept apologizing that she was so0 much smaller than i and couldn't lend me any clothes. or she would tell me where they had inexpensive clothes "in your size". sometimes she'd find something in her closet that would fit me, because it was "forgiving". i lived with her for a while (and am so grateful), but there wasn't much room, and she asked me to move some of my stuff out. not having money for storage, i donated all my small clothes to charity.

two years have passed and my cousin has picked up twenty pounds. i've lost nearly the same. again, i have no clothes that fit. my cousin offered to give me the clothes she can no longer wear. i didn't want her old clothes but she REALLY wanted me to have them.

it was a really weird afternoon they day i tried them on -- with her saying, "wow, you really have lost a lot of weight if you can fit into those". and, "i'm so fat. nothing fits me." at the same time, my boyfriend was there, and he kept telling me how i great i looked and how amazing my body looked in her (high quality) clothes.

i admit it -- there was some sweet revenge in the tables having turned. but i also felt sad for her. she's fifty and going through menopause and really unhappy about her body.

i just don't want to go through any of this again. being bigger than someone else, smaller than i used to be, on an upswing, losing pounds, struggling to maintain, getting too thin, trying to re-gain.....

don't cha?

2008-10-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

my sister-in-law has been down with an awful flu all weekend. she's had diarrhea and hasn't been able to eat anything for three days.

don't cha just know what my first reaction was? don't cha just hate it?!!!!!!

Balancing the Scales: breakfast

2008-10-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Balancing the Scales: breakfast

breakfast

2008-10-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

The pants were so tight today that i had to change. this does not make me happy, but i know it's because i've been eating a huge amount and late at night.

since the birth of my eating disorder, i've backloaded calories. i eat little bits all day and put off the pleasure of real eating until around 11 or so. This meal is the last thing i do before bed, so i feel safe that i won't eat again. i fear if i eat earlier, i'll just keep picking and picking the rest of the night.

when i eat a light-to-normal dinner, i maintain my average weight. but i'm never hunger in the morning, and i never eat breakfast.

lately, i've been eating very large, late dinners - thus the tight pants. and i now get hungry the next day around 2 pm or so.

i want to figure out how to eat "normally" throughout the day and eat a "normal" dinner at 7 or 8 (and then stop eating for the night!!!!), so i can actually feel some healthy hunger in the morning.

and now i will do this. (i don't like the words "try to do this" because failure seems inherent.)

i can't wait to physically want breakfast.

i am proud that through all of this overeating, I HAVE NOT GOTTEN ON THE SCALE. A number wouldn't make me happier (no! no! no!) and a number couldn't change my eating habits and a number doesn't define me. only i am responsible for all of that.

i hope i start to believe this soon!

but will we buy it?

2008-10-19T14:40:00.001-07:00

A woman wrote in to People magazine, complaining that they called Britney Spears "unfit" when "there was no way she could have been bigger than a size 6, and yet you (People) implied that she was somehow overweight or unhealthy".

I buy as many magazines as they can get on the stands, and i read lots of grumblings from readers that stars are a size "o" and models are smaller while the average woman is a size 12. But i wonder, would we buy VOGUE and GLAMOUR with size 8 or 10 or 12 model/actresses on the cover and inside?

I remember when MODE magazine came out for plus-size women. And those models were maybe a 12 or 14. The magazine folded, because no one (but maybe me) was buying it.

Yes, the media/press has some influence on what we accept, but i believe we buy into it too. When we watch the red carpet for the Oscars, the Emmys, the Golden Globe awards, don't we expect our stars to be miniscule? Don't we buy the very magazines we all complain about. or is that just me?

Do you think we would buy magazines and watch television shows with women who were a size 10? i wish, i wish, i wish.

breaking up with the bottle/part 2

2008-10-17T12:10:00.001-07:00

i didn't get on the scale today!!!! not easy. especially since i ate a lot last night, and i'm wondering if this could get out of control if i don't start monitoring. the belly bulged (on the john and in the mirror), the pants were hard to button. and my face looks bloated and puffy. i didn't feel even a little hunger until 2 pm. but i've decided not to let this get to me. today's a new day.

however, i did drink wine. a bottle. that could explained bloated and puffy, right? and a thousand extra calories doesn't help the physique, especially as extreme drinking leads to excessive eating.

i can be a nasty drunk. i started a ridiculous fight with my boyfriend about watching ER, ending with me near tears, of course. i went to sleep fully dressed, teeth unbrushed and make-up rolling down my cheeks and woke up with a jumbo whopping hangover.

And filled with shame and disappointment.

i've decided to use the blog to keep me honest about the bottle too. hope nobody minds.

Domesticity

2008-10-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

i live in a small town in new jersey. for such a little, uneventful city, we have an awful lot of police. evidentally they don't have much to do, because there are a plethora of them lurking behind foliage, waiting to distribute tickets. (i've been stopped three times for no reason -- they were just checking to make sure i wasn't drunk. this was during my sober period.)

This morning i drove by a cop trying to hide behind the giant ice cream cone in front of Cliff's Malt Shop. I thought to myself, "what a great job, hanging out at an ice cream parlor all day."

But in truth that would be my nightmare, being so close to a favorite binge food. I have friends with EDs who love to bake and cook. Not me! I like to stay as far away from food as i can most of the time. I'm one of those people whose refrigerator holds diet coke and non-alcoholic beer. When i'm hungry, i'll go get food,

I don't like to cook. yes, some of it is laziness, but mostly, i don't want to be around food for all the time it takes to prepare. my dream dinner is salad with a turkey sandwich and steamed vegetables -- i love these foods, and they're so safe and easy. i'm comfortable around food when i'm out -- restaurants or someone else's house, and i'll eat what i'm served. i just don't want to be part of the preparation. it still scares me a bit and really reminds me of growing up a compulsive eater. i'd whip up enough batter to make a thousand (or so) pancakes, and would eat it all before it had time to hit the griddle.

and baking?! who could forget the barrels of chocolate chip cookie batter>

i like food. i like to eat, but i'd don't want spend much around the fixings. This doesn't go over well with the opposite sex.

Where are other people in their relationship to cooking and stocked freezers and all that jazz?

dissing the scale 2

2008-10-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

does anyone want to break up with the scale with me? all of you scale addicts -- want to give it a try and see what happens? we can talk about our fears and also the freedom i think (hope) we're going to feel.

What are scales anyway?

they're for weighing prize animals, all fattened up, before they get bought and slaughtered (!)

they're on the backs of reptiles

they're good when they're involved with the scales of justice, as long as the scales tip the right way

they're good when you're scaling back on spending and starting a budget

but other than that...

I say we let the scales do what they were made for like weighing pigs (not the pigs that we call ourselves after Thanksgiving dinner) and not for how we use them -- degrading women.

Whaddaya say?

Dissing the Scale

2008-10-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, I did not weight myself today!

It was unbelievably hard. I did, of course, check my belly on the john and i knew i wouldn't like the numbers i'd see on my little nemesis. i went out last night and ate less than moderately -- potato skins, chicken fingers, buffalo wings, et. al.

After jumping off the pot, i stood in front of the mirror (stark naked, natch) for a while and stared at my belly, noting that it looked a bit rounder than it does when i'm at my preferred weight.

Next, i put on my pants, and they seemed a lot tighter than they had yesterday.

So, i decided i'd break my promise, let us all down and weigh myself anyway. then i realized i'd have to report on the blog. what kind of a loser (not in the area of weight, of course) can't not get on a scale for one day?! After some serious self-talk, i convinced myself that i could get in my car and get on with my day without getting on the scale.

Who has this kind of time?

My boyfriend wants you to know

2008-10-15T13:11:00.002-07:00

my boyfriend wants you to know that he exists. he also wonders why he hasn't been mentioned thus far.

i wonder that myself. i suppose i wanted to protect his privacy by not sharing about him. And i'm surprised i'm actually letting him read this blog. who would want to be with THIS woman?

trust is hard for me. having been hurt soooooo many times, i have come to believe that the inner me is just plain unloveable.

my boyfriend also wants you to know that he thinks i'm beautiful, and he wonders if that means anything to me.

come to think of it, i was 15 pounds heavier when we fell in love. of course, i was so ashamed of my body (lights out please!), but he didn't seem to mind. when i worry about his reaction to my gaining weight now, i should keep that in mind. right?

but that doesn't answer the question -- does it register with me that he thinks i'm beautiful?

i don't know how to answer that.

Breaking up With the Scale/Part 2

2008-10-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

i'm still getting on the beast. weighed myself this morning and did not like what I saw.

How can i stop this torture? i've decided to use the blog as a way (weigh) to keep me honest. every day i'm going to check in and let you know if i've jumped on the damn thing -- nude, having just peed, before putting even one little speck of water in my mouth.

this is terrifying. if i don't weigh myself, how will i know what i weigh? how will i know if i'm blowing up to gi-mundo proportions?

i have my weighs. i can tell what i weigh by what time i get hungry in the morning. if i'm hungry by 10 am, i've probably lost weight. 11 am means i've maintained. but if it's closing in on noon (or later!), i know i'm not going to be happy, not one bit.

i can also gauge by my stomache. not standing up, but when i'm sitting on the toilet (nude, of course, for this exercise) and looking down, i can tell by the girth (or lack there-of) of my tummy about what i weigh.

but these methods are faulty (just like some scales, i try to tell myself.) and it doesn't work by how my clothes feel. i shrink everything in the laundry (i don't have a domestic bone in my body). and then things stretch out... blah, blah, blah.

you can see this isn't going to be easy. BUT I'M NOT GETTING ON THE SCALE TOMORROW. i'll let you know if i keep that promise.

thanks for keeping me honest.

My vanity/My health

2008-10-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

look which one came first in the title.

i'm giving up the booze again. this is always a hard one. drugs i can never do again -- they took me all the way down, after all. but alcohol i can kinda sorta sometimes regulate, moderate or whatever it is that normal people do. but after some time of regulating and/or moderating or whatever, i always end up heading back up to a bottle of wine a night.

so, here i am again. on the wagon. yes, it's for my health, but to motivate myself, what's the fabulous silver lining -- WEIGHT LOSS! i figure a bottle of wine has got to have a lot of calories. (i'm not fooling anyone - i know exactly how many calories) and when i'm drinking, i tend to eat more, because i'm all loosened up.

i wish i didn't think this way. it is better for my health, better for my relationship, better for friendships, better for the wallet and if we're talking vanity, better for my blotchy skin.

but what keeps me going as sober days become sober nights -- i've usually lost a fair amount of weight AND i'm having an easier time moderating what i eat.

maybe "normal" women think this way too? what is a normal woman, anyway?

Beauty is a Beast

2008-10-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Is anyone following this season's Desperate Housewives? I just caught an episode last night. Gabrielle has two overweight (by whose standards?) kids. Their size is a big topic of conversation and humor. It's devastating to former beauty queen Gabrielle that her kids are big, and not classically pretty.

Ouch. Horrors. I could hardly concentrate because i was so worried about the feelings of the two child actresses portraying the daughters. Do they know they're the target of cruel jokes? Do they watch the episodes? And I pictured the audience chuckling simply because the girls are big -- this fact alone leaves open to acceptable ridicule. CHILD ABUSE.

MY mother didn't like me fat either. We went from diet doctor (amphetamines. weeeeee) to Weight Watchers to Behavior Modification Specialists to therapists. Nothing "cured" me. With each little adventure, I rebelled and ate more and felt worse and worse about myself.

In my family, beauty was everything. But I was not the beautiful child (that would be my naturally skinny sister who got the lovely hair. and boyfriends too.) With frizzy hair and braces and mucho extra pounds and an angry personality, i was the one in the family who needed to be fixed. And I knew it.

Even today, i often feel like the ugliest of uglies, particularly if i'm not at my thinnest, not in full make-up, if my frizzy hair isn't flat-ironed within an inch of it's frosted blonde self.

I'm much better now. I used to genuinely believe that if i went to the supermarket without make-up, i'd scare people. or they'd find me disgusting and make fun of me.

i figure i've spent most of my life tweezing, manicuring, pedicuring, shaving, waxing, blow-drying, flat-ironing, chemically straightening, dyeing, highlighting, making-up, moisturizing, exfoliating, and of course, weighing, weighing, weighing. the list could go on for the rest of this blog.

I want that time back. I want to go swimming and put my flat-ironed hair under water and not care. i want to shove my cellulite enhanced leg up the butt of the creator of Desperate Housewives!

Dear Anonymous Binger

2008-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

a few posts back, an anonymous reader said she (?) had binged and purged. i didn't respond quickly, because i wanted to think about it. my initial response ran so long and included so many thoughts, i decided to make it a whole post. i would love feedback on my answer. and i really hope this feels like a safe space to be honest and share "secrets".

my eating issues (alcohol and drugs too) are no secret. i want to take the secrecy and darkness and shame out of eating disorders. as i said to my friend today, "what's to be ashamed of? we're not killing small children. we're struggling". why are our eating disorders shameful to us? why are others so uncomfortable around our disordered eating?

so, here's what i want to say to Anonymous:

i am so glad you wrote -- so brave of you.

i'm sorry i didn't respond sooner. i really needed to think about a caring and positive way to respond.

first of all -- nurture yourself. do everything you to soothe yourself. be loving and gentle -- easier said than done, i know. i try to take the day (or as much of it as i can) for me. i eat as well as i possibly can. It makes me feel safe. If i'm eating well, i know i'm not doing more "damage". I journal -- if that makes me feel better, rent comedies, take multiple baths.

I call my best friend and text my therapist. I hope you have a best friend and a very good therapist.

and i accept that i feel like crud, and that's just the way it is. this one's hard!

Finally, the day-after-binge is over, and i can go to bed (as early as possible) and start the next day.

it is so important to be loving and gentle with yourself. for many reasons, including one you may not have thought of.

when we are hard on ourselves, hating ourselves for shoveling food in and wretching it out, we end up in a very vulnerable state. and what do we usually do at our most vulnerable-- we start the binge, purge cycle again.

it's really hard to like and love ourselves. often, self-hatred is all we know and trust. we cling tight to this old perception and resist new self-beliefs.

part of me loved binging. i looked for reasons to binge, drank a lot of wine to shut down my internal monitors and allow myself to binge.

purging had its purpose too. while my mother was dying, i threw up every thought, feeling, and emotion. anger, sadness and GUILT topping the list.

so anonymous, please let me know what you think of all this. please let me know if what i've said has hurt your feelings or made you feel less safe.

Thank you for writing. And please take good, kind care of yourself. Melissa

how can i help? how can our fellow bloggers help?

Weigh more than this

2008-10-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

Most would say i'm a good weight for me (there i go again, referring to weight.) so, let's say that my body looks like a healthy size.

yet, i've always believed that i'm meant to be bigger. my ancestors were russian peasants -- hardy stock with big healthy bodies. they all lived to nearly 100.

i doubt i'll make it that far, with thirty some years of laxatives, diuretics, vomiting, drinking, et al behind me. still, my gut tells me that left to it's own decisions, my body would look more like great grandma Rose's than Calista Flockhart

i stare at picture of large-size models and wonder if i could ever feel good in a bigger skin. iwish, i wish. i get so excited at the thought of being thirty pounds more and being perceived as gorgeous. but you know what, i get a lot of glances at 130. i got picked on at 160.

when i weighed 90 pounds i'd buy Mode magazine and BBW (two now defunct magazines for plus-size women. now defunct -- i guess no one else wants to relate to bigger bodies.)

i'd tape pictures of supersized supermodels Kate Dillon and Emme on my refrigerator, hoping that some day i'd allow myself to eat and be comfortable at their body weights.

Just read Mia Tyler's book. she seems pretty happy in her bigger body. a part of me finds that so hard to believe. it is so hardwired into me that EVERYONE wants to be as thin as possible.

i'm still trying to figure this out.

Why Weight?

2008-10-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

I worked in the weight loss industry and saw an almost unbearable desire to be thin. If a woman gained ounces from the previous week, she was usually completely devastated, and the way she felt about EVERYTHING turned negative. Some cried.

What is the (black) magic of the scale?

My nephew doesn't care about food. He's a tall, skinny guy who's interested in most things, but not food. When we have dinner, he'll get all excited about some topic and ignore his plate for most of the meal.

I try to do what he's doing, but I have to realize that I'll NEVER be like that naturally. I envy him, which nauseates me. He's got his own set of problems. I'm his loving aunt. I don't want to be jealous of him. And what a weird thing to be jealous of, if you really think about it.

What is the black magic of the scale?

Well

2008-10-10T10:14:00.001-07:00

i don't think i've shared how much better i am than i ever was. i don't purge. i don't starve. i don't binge. these are three of the happiest sentences i've ever written.

Going out for meals is a favorite pleasure. i don't panic or eat manically quickly or sooooooooooo slowly as to savor each bite.

Parties are fun. i enjoy the company, the camaraderie and, as a side pleasure, the food.

i never thought i'd get here. i never thought i'd get anywhere near here. every day feels like a miracle

once, my life was ruled by food and weight. when i was starving, i'd lay in bed and dream about all the food i'd let myself eat if i did let myself eat anything other than lettuce, asparagus and the wrappers of banana nut muffins (i'd let some crumbs stay on the wrapper to get a little banana nutty taste.)

whether i was binging, purging, starving and/or some sad combination of them all, THAT was life.

speaking of weighing myself

2008-10-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my computer, deciding whether or not to run next door to my brother's to weigh myself. I, of course, do not have a scale. I'm better than that.

So much of me wishes I could get away from that number. What do ounces mean? How can that little monster sitting next to my brother's toilet have such control of me?

Will I go? Haven't decided yet.

Eat and be Thin

2008-10-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

When Drew Barrymore was producing a re-make of CHARLIE'S ANGELS, she proudly proclaimed that the women in her movie were going to eat a lot as a positive message for young girls, showing that real women eat a lot. And eat a lot they did. And they still looked like Cameron Diaz.

If I ate like that, I'd look like Mama Cass. It sounded like a formula for bulimia to me. Eat and be thin. A terrible message for young girls!

Thanksgiving is another big bulimic opportunity. For years it terrified me, and I horrified my family yearly by skipping their binge, I mean feast, of course. Those were my anorexic, bulimic hey days, but on Thanksgiving I ate the healthiest I'd eat all year (three normal, healthy meals) all by myself, and I wouldn't purge. I also took myself to a movie or two, treated myself to hardcover book and took a lot of baths.

And didn't weigh myself

can you cure - part 2

2008-10-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

in those dark days, i wrote a book about my daily suffering. i was tired of reading all the books by former sufferers who were "cured". i'd been suffering for years and wasn't anywhere near a cure.

i sent my book to a literary agent who said "you can write" but people only want to read about success stories.

what do you think of that?

can you cure an eating disorder?

2008-10-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

in the darkest days and nights of my eating disorder, i woke up each morning nauseous from having puked most of the night before, assisted by a tremendous amount of read wine. i'd starve all day, maybe take some serious laxatives, drink a lot of wine which loosened me up enough to start binging. then i'd drink more wine until i was, once again, nauseous enough -- this time so i could throw up for yet another night.

one night, my boyfriend took me to Union Square Cafe -- one of the best restaurants in the world. i didn't want that food -- it scared me. it was going to make me fat. but i ate it. and ate more. and more. and drank an awful lot of very expensive red wine. as i spooned down my five star dessert, i couldn't wait for him to drop me off at home so i could run to the corner korean market and eat all the food i really want -- yodels, bagels and cream cheese, shortbread cookies, gross macaroni and cheese off the dirty salad bar, frozen pizzas, potato chips, ice cream sandwiches.

it was early enough that i could order chinese food too -- cold sesame noodles, egg rolls, wonton soup, moo shoo shrimp and pork fried rice.

when it all came up later, it all seemed the same -- the 45 dollar lamb and the lays potato chips

Get Me Off the Scale! please

2008-10-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

am i ugly because i weighed 129.4 today? let's see. i gained 5.4 pounds in one week. if i keep this up, i could hit 200 by the new year. i could...right?

why does any of this matter? why does it matter so much to all of us?

yes, our mothers watched every morsel we ate and praised each notch down on the square appliance that ruled our self-esteem. yes, our classmates stopped teasing up when our belt buckles tightened. and boys paid a little positive attention for once.

but now. why does a number on a little digital thing mean anything?

does anyone out there have any idea?

Balancing the Scales

2008-10-03T16:52:00.000-07:00

today is september 11, 2008. today i weigh 128.8. last friday, i weighed 124.

3000 people died six years ago. i gained 4.8 pounds this. the former haunts me. the latter rules my life.

i can't believe how much this still means to me. after 43 years of diets (my doctor put my chubby self on skim milk at six months), 30 years of bulimia (stopped throwing up two years ago), lots of anorexia (95 pounds at 5'6) and compulsive eating (200 pounds just a year later), one would think - i would think, a silly number a potentially unbalanced scale wouldn't ruin my day, my week, my sex life, my mood...my everything. and yet.

but i'm not alone